I am almost half way through my thirties and sadly, like many women my age, I'm stuck in a rut of body hatred and self loathing.
On one hand, I'm proud of what I have achieved with this body. I have been a gymnast, a dancer, and an ok netball player (this may or may not have been a few years ago now). I have bush-walked, climbed mountains, swam and completed City to Surf three times (I even ran one of them!). I have snorkelled the great barrier reef and the islands of Fiji. And most importantly, I have birthed three beautiful babies - my greatest achievement yet.
They say comparison is the thief of joy and boy were 'they' right. It's so hard not to compare myself to others. My friends. My family members. The women in my life who birth babies and their bodies 'snap' back into their original wonderful form - or better! It's hard not being able to understand why, in the genetic lottery, I missed out on the body that goes back to 'normal' after a baby. Why I'm doomed to a life lived in firming underwear!... not because of my size, but because of my skin. I have the tools and the ability and the mindset to change my weight, but no amount of conscious eating is going to change what only surgery can fix.
This all came to light this week as I shopped for a new item of clothing. Nothing makes me feel more shite about myself than a fluorescently lit fitting room with all around mirrors. I sat in the change rooms of a department store lamenting to loss of my confidence filled early twenties. The days where I didn't feel crap leaving the house.
Last year's HCG Protocol journey has taught me one thing. Amazing health is achievable and it is worth striving for and focusing on. But at the end of the day - eliminating the excess fat on my body isn't going to remove the 'other excess' (I know, this is freaking you out - but I've always been about honesty - so I hope this doesn't scare you off). So unless I divorce my husband and marry some rich sugar daddy to fund stomach surgery (which, frankly I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to have anyway) I have to at some point come to accept my body for what it is and me for who I am. This is going to be easier said than done.
I get that there are people out there who are going to be my biggest critics and judges... they can bite me. I was always taught, if you don't have something nice to say, keep your trap shut. But at the end of the day - it's me who has to feel good about me.
This is where Body Image Movement comes in. I've been keeping an eye on this movement over the months prior to E3's birth but haven't been onto it as much since she was born. I've just discovered that in my down time, Taryn has launched what looks like an amazing program to help people like me on a journey to self acceptance. I love seeing her confidence. I love her philosophy. I just don't know how I can reach that point myself.
I'm hoping that I can save the $$$ to sign up to a future round of Unstoppable, as the current one is closed ( I just missed it - bummer!).
I know I don't often mention my faith over here on Think BIG. Start small ( I usually save that for Take Heart, Sweetheart) . But I also wanted to mention this bible verse that's coming up in my heart and mind a bit and perhaps it will also speak to your heart... 'For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace (Romans 8:56). Just another reminder to me that it's about the inside and not the outside. The current Freeway series I'm a part of is really appropriate for my current state of mind.. you might also find it helpful.
All I can say is it's a journey. And one that I feel like I am just discovering, dipping my pinkie toe in the HUGE ocean that is my own personal healing. I'm sure it's a lot simpler than that. I share my thoughts and my feelings because I want people like me out there to know that you're not alone. You're not the only one feeling like the real YOU has disappeared in a sea of motherhood, family life and other commitments. If I can be this blatantly honest with you, complete strangers, then surely you can be honest with yourself. So with the help of my Church, Thermomix, Body Image Movement and Changing Habits, I am going to endeavour to become the best version of me that I possibly can. It's going to take time. I'm sure there will be set backs. And triumphs. Self discovery is a never ending process right? But with the support of my family and friends and the love of my God, I know I can get on the right road.
In the meantime I have discovered this song - and I get the feeling that perhaps I should play it on repeat until I get the message right! I know, I've probably been living under a rock (such is the life of a mum of three including a newborn!) because this song isn't so 'new' anymore - but it is to me. So here is my anthem from this time forward. I hope you enjoy it like I am!